Being a mermaid

Even if I live in a bipolar climate and I don’t have any real beach near. And most of the time i miss the ocean, I’m born in the wrong place of the globe guys. When I say bipolare weather i’m not even slightly exagerating things. For exemple last week it we were feeling 42 celcius, and this week it’s like 10c. In the winter we live between -20 and -30 celcius. So you as you may have already guessed, i’m a summer girl. I hate winter, I hate snow, i hate the cold. I know deep down in my heart i’m a mermaid. I love water, i love the sea, I’ve talked a lot about it with some friends and family and when i’ll die I want my ashes to be thrown in the ocean. I remember a quote from one of my favorite movie, when Frosty (gerard butler) said :« We all come from the sea, but we are not all of the sea. Those of us who are, we children of the tides, must return to it again and again, until the day we don’t come back, leaving only that which was touched along the way.»

Only a couple of days before I leave for wildwood. I love this place and since i’m going with my sister and mother I know it will be fun. So when you go to the beach you need to bring some essential with you. And I’m talking about an entire daya t the beach not only a walk on the beach because you live there. This is for those of us that goes to the beach once or twice a year and try to make the most of it when we go. 

1. Bring a large tote to hold everything you will bring because, let’s be real, you will need a LOT of stuff and will probably need more than 1 bag.

 cute anchor tote   50$                                cute blue tote 15$

2. Bring a Hat, yeah it’s a fashion statement but more than that, it will protect your scalp

You can get this hat in any possible color right here

3. Sunglasses, we all know how beautiful the beach is , and watching the waves crash in the horizon, but its even more beautiful when you’re not squinting your eyes. Protect your eyes from the UVrays and you can find some super cute sunglasses under 20$

here are some really cute treasur i've found :

get them here

heart shape glasses

get them here 

4. Phone equipment, it can be a extra battery, a selfie stick or a water resistant pouch. Bring anything you need to keep your phone safe and usefull.

5. Books and magazine : Yes beach is fun and playfull but sometimes we just want to relax to the sound of the tides and read a good book. Right now i’m ready 4 things at the same time depending on my mood  

The first book is called : A brief history of time from stephen Hawkins. I’ve been wanting to read his book for a while now and can’t wait to finish it on the beach. What best way to read about physic than on the beach  right?

  

 The second one is called a series called L’orphéon the one i’m readng at the moment is called Coït. This serieus is awesome because all 5 books are written by different auters and the story takes place in a building, each book is a different floor of the building. Sadly it’s only available in French because they are all auters from Quebec. 

   

The Third one is called What If:Serious scientific answer to hypothetical question. This book is awesome so if you ever wonders what would happened if you pitch a baseball at 90% of lightspeed what would happen well the answer is in this book. 

   

Lastly we have Sailor Moon. I loved this anime when i was a kid and now i’m falling back in love with the manga.

6. Sunscreen and lipbalm with SPF :  well the word speeks wor itself.  You will need sunscrean protect your skin guys .

7. Leave in conditioner : your hair will be dry so at least protect them a bit before. 

8. Beach spikes : amazing idea to keep your drink sandfree.

get them here 

9. Towels and beach blanket : you can lay on the sand and take a sun bath but at least do it on a big towel so you dont have all the sand stuck in your swimwear. You can find tons of cute and fun blacket on the web. 

get it here  or here

10. Water reusable bottle. Please for environmental sakes dont  buy bottled water, bring a ureusable plastic one or aluminum one and refill it. You can have some really cute ones and you can chose some that you can also put fruits in to make your water tastier.

11. Beach chair, it's for your confort, so your BumBum isn't full of sand.

12. Beach Umbrella : when its getting to hot and the sun is too strong and you want a little shade, or if you want to keep your drink and snaks cold.

13. Snacks : chips, sandwiches, cookies, nuts, vegetable, fruits, granola bars.

14. Cooler : to keep your food and drinks chill.

15. Beach toys and games : base ball, football, way

here are some cute coverups i drew not so long ago.

Hope you guys enjoyed this post about beach essentials and travel safe , we'll see each other in the next article. Thank you so much for following me and i'll see ya'll later byebye xoxox

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Gaming Grill *no typo*

Being a girl in the gaming community

Well it’s true that most girls play games, almost 52% of the gamer community are girls but thats if we define gaming by someone who plays any kind of video games. 

To be honest, and please don’t throw rocks at me for saying this, I dont consider playing flappy bird or candy crush as Gaming. I know some of us play casual games like Kim Kardashian : hollywood, and yes i love it. But i would never consider myself a hardcore gamer if that was the only game I played. Yes those are still games, but I don’t consider gamer anyone that only plays cellphone social games.

For as long as I can remember I have been playing video games with my sister, she's 3 years younger than me, and I remember playing on my dads old playstation 1 with jailbroken CD with games like TEKKEN or Tomb Raider. I wanted to be her, i was going full tomb raider on the play ground as a kid, or I would play with fake guns at my friends house. I would try to recreate Chung li's move IRL. Thats when i knew games would make a huge impact on my life.

Later we had our own games like DDR, burnout, GTA, NHL and more. We were under fifhteen but we were hardcore gamers even if most girls were playing with makeup and talking about boys. My sister was playing sports and was gaming gaming, myself well, I was drawing clothes and gaming. Our parents were kind of bored seeing us play for hours, never leaving our eyes off the screen, playing guitar heros thinking we were rocktars even though we had our real guitars standing in the corner of the room. But we wanted to beat that song, we wanted to pass that level. And thats when one of us was not already on the computer playing The Sims. We knew all the cheat codes, we downloaded all the clothes and objects we could just to create the most awesome house. We had our own way of killing our sims, yeah don’t try to hide , we all become sociopath when we play The Sims. And when i didn't want to cheat for money but still wanted to be rich well i used the good old technique, I'm probably not the only one who had a cave troll painting all day and all night. Just so my sims could sell because we wanted to be rich. We all have our ways. We also all know how hard it is to keep more than five sims alive without cheating.

Our parents thought that travelling would distance us from technology. But oh god were they wrong! We had our PSPs, our gameboys advance and I wonder which other i forget about but I know we had more. I was playing Playing metroid and Holy Molly  was I surprised to see Samus was actually a Girl.

At 17 i bought my first xbox, one of my friend sold it to me for a hundred bucks and I bought my first shooter. Call of duty Blackops 1, I didn’t have xbox live yet but i played the hell out of that campain. Not so long after that MW3 got released. Don't worry about that I was standing by the store an hour before the opening just to get my hand on a copy of it. That’s when I started playing live, and that’s when I understood the meaning of the memes about pausing online game. How many time was I caught saying «I CAN’T PRESS PAUSE MOM». I could play cod for 10 hours straight, if only i wasn’t raging that much, my roomate could hear me scream « f**king campers »,«Oh yeah right use that nuub tube» and the forever young « stupid f**king shotguns».  Some of my class mate knew i was gaming, and one of them showed me world of warcraft, i started playing on a private server and I even forgot to go to school, or eat during 2 days. I was so into it I couldn’t leave my chair. I’ve been playing these games  for a couple years then I started playing league of legend a year or so after the BETA was released. That game is everything to me now. I still play WoW, and COD but league is Bae. Istarted streaming about 3 years ago because some of my guy friend thought i was funny, good and pretty and they said i would make good money out of it, I stoped some months after because i was tired of being compared to Kaceytron of any other twitch girls that are fake. Now i’ve been playing for myself only I don’t really like streaming anymore because there’s just too much girl and its more of a competition between who’s the prettiest/ funniest and/or dumbest so we can laugh at her, and i’m not part of that crowd. I’ve had people saying I wasn’t smiling enough or that I wasn’t reading the chat enough… but it’s hard to be compared to the guys that are actually good gamers when tons of girl fake being good. So you either have to be a guy, or a pretty girl to be famous on twitch and that disgusted me. I prefere being a smart girl about it put my feminist pants on and play for fun and not for famousness. Outside of the stream world we have the cosplay world , where for one day I can actually transform into my favorite character and really be the hero. But cosplaying would be for another post if you want me to. 

The first thing I hate about being a girl in the gaming community are the guys that treat you differently because of your sex. Some will treat you good just because you’re a girl others will treat you like sh**t because you steal what’s theirs and still think that gaming is for boys and girl should stay in the kitchen.  Some will harras you, ask for picture of your breasts, ask if you have a boyfriend or just not believe you. The best kind of people are the ones that don’t care what sex you are, they will treat the same either way. You’re just one of the boys to them. Most of the time I refuse to say if i’m a girl or a guy online they mostly notice only when i’m on skype and sometimes they just think i’m a 12 year old boy.

Second thing I hate is the other gamer girls, its a competition all the time, in games or in real life, who’s the best, who’s the prettiest, who’s the coolest, who’s the realest. Even though we mostly have each others back, some doesn’t accept the fact that they are not better than most boys, and need to be boosted to feel better or feel cooler and I can’t stand it. It’s kind of a running gag in the community that all good girls are boosted but it will depend on the game. Its hard to be boosted in WoW since nobody care what Iten lvl you are. But in league ranks decide if you are cool or not for some people. And some girls even go to the point of selling their body for a boost and it makes me sick. At least some of us are real and play because this game is amazing as hell, and my girls know who they are. #girlscrew

Third thing I hate is facing the stereotype, just because people know you are a gamer they suddenly change the way they see you. Some will say «you don’t look like a gamer» or «I would have never thought you would play game». Seriously? why? What am I suppose to look like to be a gamer to you? Because you think i’m attractive I don’t look like a gamer? Who decides that?  And the one that don’t even think that the game is for you when you go shopping. I can’t even count the number of time i’ve been ask if I was buying it for my boyfriend or brother. Some stereotypes are less harmfull for exemple people who think you play healers in warcraft because you are a girl. Oh honey, you think i can’t be violent enough to make damage 1v1 me bruh! Some thinks you main support in League,… well I do, but not all female does so my sex have nothing to do with my position preferences.

Last but not least, sexism, of course i’m not a strong feminist at heart lets even call it a feminazi that cry over a girl in sexy clothes fighting in Mortal Kombat. To be fair, I wish I could be as sexy and strong as those girls, but I do think there are not enough female role model in the industry. And I can’t wait for a world where boys and girls will be treated equally.

Passions doesn’t have genders and it should stay that way. 

Thanks again for the love and support guys Keep calm an play games it's amazing. 

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Confession

How long before you forget someone you loved, 

It’s been six months already, I can’t even sleep straight I wake up every few hours of the night crying or thinking about him. I wake up in my own tears because I’ve dreamt of him. He left me without letting me know why... I tried asking him but his answers are always so unclear. He decided one day I was just not good enough for him to love me.... the day after asking me to come live in his apartment, 2 days before Christmas. If only the reason was that he didn’t want to buy me any present I would be already over it ... but he had just given it to me the day before. He bought me a beautiful pair of earrings, I loved them so much but he had to dump me right after, before I even had the chance to wear them. Of course I didn’t keep them I couldn’t, it was so hard to see such a beautiful thing coming from such an awful person. He told me we had nothing in common which I never understood because as soon as I ask him to give me any example he doesn’t know what to say and end up with saying he doesn’t need to explain himself to me. He also said he didn’t want someone like me as the mother of his child. But he knew before getting with me that I didn’t want any child. He knew I was sick, he knew I was depressed, he knew I had a borderline personality, he already knew me. I decided to change, at least the little things i could. If my sleep schedule and my eating habits were his only reason for not loving me I could easily change them.I have the same work schedule now, I’m vegan and I eat better than I ever did, I take care of everyone around me and I’m still not good enough ? 

Just heard, about 3 days ago that he has a new girlfriend, a girl 5 years younger than me, so much for a guy who wanted to be alone until he finds the girl he wants as the mother of his child. She lives 3 hours away from him, she has flirted with his friends before dating him and she’s asks him and other guy to boost her in a video game so she can be more popular on her stream which is beyond me, since when faking being good at a video game became sexy. Of course you can brag to people about your Rank but as soon as you will actually play you’re gonna get sh*t on! I already have hatred for Boosted girls in video games, but now it’s worse than anything. I can’t even deal with all this bullshit right now, just thinking about it makes me anxious. Blood is rushing through my vein so fast, pressure is consuming me and I don’t know any way to release it, I wish I could just cut it to relieve the pain, just a cut wouldn’t hurt anyone would it? I’m already depressed enough but thinking about it makes me sick, just thinking about them being in the same room, giggling, laughing, cuddling, and telling each other I love you it makes me ill. I want to forget so bad I would rather hit my head on my concrete wall all night then spend another day knowing they are together.

I wish I was better, I wish I was good enough. How many times my friends have told me, you can’t force him to love you, he is not the one for you, you will find better... But what if I don’t want to find better i want him. I wish I was stronger, I wish I could just move on, and not think about it, when my friends tells me he is my ex and that I should get over it, I wish I could tell them that they are right, that i would grow up and stop letting a guy control my feelings.. but I can’t... 

There’s always the butterflies in my stomach every time I think about them it’s making me dizzy, making me sick I don’t even know how it’s possible to love someone that much without him loving you back. I don’t even want to fall in love again if it’s for me to end up this way again. He told me he stopped having feelings for me about a month before the breakup.. but he continue telling me he loved me, How am I suppose to trust anyone who tells me I Love You, when the only one that matters to me lied for weeks about his feelings. Now I’m so lost I have this anger inside, I want to kill that girl who dates him, she is not worthy of him, I want to kill him... even if deep down I’m the only one I want to see dead just because I’m not good enough for him and I won’t ever be. I’ve tried talking to people about it, I take my anti-depressant, I don’t drink, I tried sleeping and working, getting my mind on anything else, but I can’t. Just thinking about how he told me we had nothing in common makes me wonder... did I really know him that much because in my memory we had everything in common. We never fought, we never argued we were happy...how can I get over something like this. It seems so easy when people tell me that only time can heal me, and I should stop stalking them. But it’s so f**king hard to actually do. I know I need help, I know I need professional help, but what can they really do for me... help me get over it, maybe. But they are not going to make me more lovable, they are not going to make me prettier, smarted, nicer, or even better at any video games I love. They are not going to make him love me, nobody will.

How can I stop having so much rage inside, how can I stop having so much anxiety. I say the meanest things to them just because I can’t control my anger and I can’t if I don’t tell them my feeling my head will explode and all this violence will turn against me. Deep down I wish he could watch her die and watch her life leave her body as she leave to go rot in hell. I want him to feel half the pain I feel just to understand why I’m so depressed lately. I want to relieve the pain, my breath is shorter. I don’t even see straight, I walk like a zombie, seriously people might mistake me from an actor from the Walking Dead but what they don’t know is that I’m already dead inside.

Sometimes it feels like I’m in some sort of bubble or there is some sort of invisible screen keeping me away from reality. I see these happy couple holding hands, the children smiling not knowing how hard life actually gets; I also watch all the suffering in the world that I use to care so much for. I use to give so much to charity and I always have been such a militant for what i think is right. I wish i could help like I used to... but inside it’s just a big whole mess in my head and for now I can’t even think about a way to help others since I can’t even help myself.  How long does it take for a heart to heal, is it so normal that I feel like my heart is literally broken. Like there is this constant pain in my heart like someone is just squeezing in, compressing it, and smashing it on the ground. I’m pretty sure my ex just hides my heart somewhere in a jar that is somehow connected to my brain and whenever I think of him he just squeeze it as hard as he can to make me feel like dying. I’m dizzy, I’m torn apart, I’m sick, I’m tired, and I know he will never know how broken I am, because he doesn’t freaking gives a f*ck how broken I am. He loves someone else, someone probably better than me, and even though I have absolutely no reason to be, I’m just so jealous of her for being what he likes...I don’t think she’s attractive I still think all the mean things I’ve told about her, but I still wish I was her just so he could love me. I just wish he could love me again, if he ever did. 

it's not the usual post I know, nothing fashionable about breakup but I needed to get this out of my head, and writing is my medecine and If someone out there who reads that knows the key to forget 1 year of lie pls tell me. Thank to all my readers for dealing with mea tthe moment. 

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